You may well ask… where have I been? Where am I now? What happened?

Goodness. Well. Where to begin? Well, let’s start with the simple things. Actually, none of it’s simple. None of it at all. And to be honest, my head is a real mess right now. I don’t get myself into these sorts of situations! I don’t! But now I have. Oh! What am I going to do?

Focus, Charlie. You haven’t told them what the problem is yet.

Right. Here we go.

So you remember Daniel came over, right? And he was upset. I let him stay here so he wasn’t alone. He told me he didn’t feel safe by himself. It was a pretty big admission for him to say that, I could tell, so I wanted to help him out however I could. Plus, hey, the guy’s mother had just died. He needed help… and I thought I could be the one to give it to him. So I did. He didn’t try anything with me, and I didn’t try anything with him… I just sat there with him – sometimes talking to him, sometimes watching TV with him, sometimes enjoying a takeaway with him. He’d go out to work in the mornings with me and we’d say our goodbyes in the daytime, then drift back in in the evening together like it was something we’d been doing for years. We spent most of our time together. It actually felt quite comfortable and nice, even though we weren’t talking much.

Suze had other ideas for the both of us though, and this is where it all started to go a bit wrong.

One night – I forget which now, the whole thing is a blur – Suze decided that she was going to take me out to that big club down in Leisure World – Oceana. I’d never been there and to be honest, didn’t really want to as I’m not a huge fan of big clubs – but Suze insisted, saying that I “needed a break”. She also invited Daniel. I don’t know if she actually wanted him to come or just wanted to be polite, really knowing that he’d only ever say no. Whatever happened, he said no, that we should go out and enjoy themselves and that he really should head home as he hadn’t been there for ages.

So I said goodbye to him and went to get glammed up. I looked pretty good, despite being emotionally and physically exhausted, and Suze looked impressed as I stepped out of my room. She was wearing a pair of black pants and a black top with lacy sleeves. She looked immaculate as she always does, and she had some blood-red lipstick on that made her look for all the world like a vampire. Suze would never admit to being a Goth (or a vampire-lover) but she certainly dresses like one sometimes!

We went to the club. There was a long queue, and every so often the bouncers dragged some drunk chav past, possibly never to be seen again. I wasn’t sure how this evening was going to go, but I was going to keep an open mind!

Eventually we got in. The music was loud and rattled around my head. I could barely hear Suze, so she communicated using some overelaborate hand gestures and signalled that she was going to go and check our coats in at the cloakroom, and that I should get some drinks in. (We’d long since mastered wordless communication, so a noisy club was nothing to worry about.)

I went to the bar and got our vodkas ready. And who should “happen” to be leaning there but Jack, with a sly smile on his face.

“Hello,” he yelled in my ear. “Fancy seeing you here!”

“Hello,” I yelled back. I wasn’t sure I was in the mood.

“Wanna dance?” he shouted.

I shook my head, indicating the drinks. He shrugged and smiled and wandered off to the dance floor, soon to be lost in the crowd.

Suze eventually showed up, coatless, and practically downed her vodka. Then she leaned into the barman and yelled something at him. Before I knew it, there was a row of shots in front of us. I knew roughly around now that this wasn’t going to end well.

Suze cheered me on and we both started to work our way through our respective rows. They were pretty nice, to be fair… but each one hit me for six. I hadn’t been out drinking for a few days what with looking after Daniel, so they had a kick. By the end of the sixth one I was wobbling on my feet and had a sudden urge to take Jack up on his offer of a dance, so I staggered over to the dance floor with a giggling Suze trailing behind and pushed my way in, myself laughing like an idiot, until I found someone that looked like Jack.

Fortunately, it was Jack, so I didn’t make a complete prat of myself by draping myself over some random stranger. But I did make a prat of myself by draping myself over someone I knew. We started to dance. Close. Jack held me… touched me. I liked it. I’m not proud of it, but I liked it. From the feel of things, he liked it, too!

What I didn’t know at that time was that someone else didn’t like it. Someone else was watching discreetly from the shadows, and right about now they must have run away as fast as their legs could carry them.

Yes, I am of course talking about Daniel who, it transpires, had decided to come out after all, presumably either to try and get his head together, or as a surprise for me, or an opportunity for us to spend some time together that didn’t involve moping. I didn’t find this out until much later. After… what happened. At the time, I didn’t have a clue. I let Jack do what he did… brazenly, wantonly, in front of everyone. “Everyone” in question was, of course, both off their tits and doing very similar things, though, so I blended right in. But not well enough!

Eventually, at some ungodly hour in the morning, me, Suze, Jack and Chris all ended up back at our place. After a few false starts, I managed to get the key in the lock and the others all bundled inside. I was surprised to see an envelope on the doormat though. It was handwritten and the only thing on it was my name. I stood looking at it for a moment and felt a horrible chill – that nasty feeling you get that goes all the way up your spine and sobers you up right away. I didn’t want to open it. I knew it was bad. But I had to.

I tore open the envelope and took out the crumpled paper inside. It was written in a pen that looked like it was running out, so the last few words weren’t very clear. This is what it said:

“Charlie,

Thank you for everything you have done for me. You’ve been a true friend and I won’t ever forget that. But I’m in the way. You don’t deserve to be held back by a twat like me. You deserve to have fun… like you did tonight.

I saw. I saw how happy you were there, with him, without me.

So I’m going to say goodbye. Then you won’t have to worry about me. This is best for both of us.

Goodbye.

Love, Daniel”

I still have the letter stuffed inside one of my drawers. I couldn’t bring myself to throw it out. Right then, I knew that this meant something bad. I raced out of the door and leapt into my car. I was way over the limit but it was early in the morning so there wouldn’t be much traffic, and the fear I was feeling felt like it had sobered me up. I carefully got into the car and started her up, then drove as steadily as I could to Daniel’s house. I was probably going about ten miles an hour all the way, but fortunately I didn’t come across any police.

When I got there, the front door was ajar. I pushed it open and went inside. I could hear music playing – something classical, I couldn’t tell what. There was a dim light coming from the living room and as I pushed the door open I saw that it was coming from the TV, its screen blank save for a message in the middle saying “NO SIGNAL”. The light was eerie and I couldn’t see what else was going on in the room, until I got close to the sofa and saw Daniel sitting there, very still. I reached down and touched his arm and felt something warm and sticky. I pulled by hand away in horror and looked at it.

My hand was stained with blood. Daniel was not moving. He was sitting on the sofa… and on the floor in front of his feet was a large, vicious-looking kitchen knife, stained red with the same blood I now had on my hands.

I screamed. It didn’t help, but it was a reflex reaction. I looked around frantically, wondering what to do. Was I too late? He wasn’t… dead, was he? I didn’t know. I panicked and just looked around the room in horror before taking a deep breath and composing myself enough to dial 999.

The ambulance was over quickly and the paramedics took a look at him. He was still alive – barely. He’d lost some blood, but he was still alive because of where he’d cut. A few inches either way, they said, and he’d be dead now. But he was in shock, and he’d stopped breathing. I started to cry helplessly as I watched them try to revive him before putting a mask on his face and taking him out on a stretcher.

“You coming?” said the paramedic. I looked up dumbly.

“You know this guy, right?” he said. I nodded silently.

His voice softened. Up until now it had been quite harsh.

“Come on. We’ll make sure he’s OK. Follow me.”

He and his colleague took the motionless figure of Daniel out on the stretcher to the ambulance. I looked around the room one last time, feeling utter despair. I looked at the TV and switched it off. I looked at the couch, now stained red with his blood. And then I saw another piece of paper on the floor. I picked it up and pocketed it, but I haven’t had the courage to read it yet.

I went with Daniel to the hospital once again. Suze texted me while I was in the ambulance with a simple “Hey babe where the fuck r u? x”. I didn’t respond. I wanted to blame her for what had happened, but I knew part of it was my fault.

They kept him in for a few days, bandaging his cuts and giving him some medicine for the pain. I don’t know what they were doing – any time they tried to explain it to me it went in one ear and out the other. They were “observing”, presumably to make sure he wouldn’t do it again. Would he do it again? Please don’t let him do it again.

Eventually he was well enough to sit up and look at me. He looked haggard and old. His skin was pale and his lips were cracked and dry. His eyes were bloodshot and his hair was a greasy mess. But he was awake.

“Oh no,” he said. “I’ve really fucked this up, haven’t I?”

I can’t think about this any more for tonight. Sorry. But I just thought you might be wondering where I was. Now you know.